Hell is other people … who enjoy Ed Sheeran documentaries
So you’re about to get on a plane. Good for you! How long’s the flight? Two hours? Three? Long enough, at any rate, that you’d like something to occupy that free time. Maybe you’ve loaded up a movie on your iPad, or maybe you bought a book or a magazine at the airport. You may not realize it, but that choice you made, about what you’ll do or read in that bit of free time tens of thousands of feet in the air, says a lot about you as a person. Like, a lot a lot. So it’s important for you to do this quiz, and other quizzes like it, share them on social media until you’re reported by someone for extreme obnoxiousness, then rally against the haters, get your accounts back, and start it all again. How dare they try to stop you from truly knowing yourself?
Here’s how this very important quiz works: for every A you choose, give yourself one point; for every B you choose, give yourself two points; for every C you choose give yourself three points; for every D you choose give yourself four points.
Ready? Let’s go!
You’ve loaded up a movie onto your iPad. Is it:
A. Something really bad. Like that Ed Sheeran documentary you’re ashamed to watch in real life, but it’s OK to give in because you’re hidden by several thousand feet of clouds.
B. Battleship Potemkin by Sergei Eisenstein, because you know you really should watch it, but you also know the only way you’re going to is strapped into a seat with a screen in your face, Ludovico-technique-style.
C. The latest in a series of should-watches. Like you missed this year’s best picture, and you really should see it, because it was best picture right? Sure no one cares about it now, but it’s important to keep up to date!
D. What’s a movie? Is it real? Is it witchcraft? I’m already scared.
You’ve brought a single newspaper with you onto the plane. You immediately flip to:
A. The comics, obviously. In your real life you do your best to keep abreast of current affairs, but up in the air all you care about is how Jon Arbuckle’s date went (badly, duh) And you know what? You’re gonna skip Doonesbury. Like you always, always do. Shhhh.
B. Any section where there’s a large picture of a serious looking man in a suit, speaking with other serious looking men in suits. Maybe there are some flags in the background too, a building with columns, etc.
C. The first-page headlines, then the second-page headlines and so on and so forth until you feel like you know enough to be able to confidently contribute to trending hashtags.
D. I will poop on any section.
You’ve brought a book with you – how charming! What is it?
A. Something scary. Because planes can’t be haunted, and that’s a fact.
B. Ulysses by James Joyce. Remember when you started this book? Alex Trebek still had a moustache.
C. I brought this book that everyone’s talking about. I heard Sandra Bullock is going to star in the movie version? Anyway it’s about a spiritual journey I think.
D. It all tastes the same.
You’ve decided to take a quiz on the plane (HOW META!) Which one do you choose?
A. A Myers-Briggs personality test, because you, like everyone else on the planet, can’t resist reading detailed analyses about yourself. You’re gonna try to recreate that time you somehow scored as the coveted INTJ. Even though you know you’re actually a textbook INFJ. Ugh.
B. An LSAT practice quiz. Even though you never went to law school, it’s nice to know that you COULD HAVE.
C. How Well Do you Know Canada’s First Family? Then you’ll definitely post the results to Facebook, otherwise what’s the point of taking such a boring quiz?
D. Are You Ready for the Switch to Senior Food?
Oh my god. You forgot your iPad, you forgot your phone, you forgot a book, you forgot a newspaper, you forgot your quiz, your cross stitch, your knitting, your magic cards, your telekinesis starter kit etc. WHAT DO YOU DO?
A. You read the in-flight safety card from front to back, including the French bits even though you don’t know how to read French, then you move on to the in-flight magazine, then the barf bag, and finally you just order something to eat. OH MY GOD IT’S ONLY BEEN HALF AN HOUR.
B. You close your eyes and try to transcend time and space. Why not, right? It’s not like you’ve got anything better to do.
C. You strike up a conversation with the person next to you. This is why you do quizzes about the Trudeau’s and watch the Academy Award best picture winner! For just this type of small talk!
D. Turn around in a few circles, flop down on the seat and sigh loudly. You can’t comprehend time anyway.
If you scored between one and nine points
Congratulations! You respect the unspoken rules of the air – a place where Ed Sheeran documentaries, and other guilty pleasures, can be enjoyed without shame or judgment, and no one should have to be afraid to make eye contact, lest they be sucked into conversation for conversation’s sake, which, YOU know, is the most horrible kind of conversation.
If you scored between 10 and 14 points
Congratulations! You use plane time to better yourself as a human being. The only problem is, you might be a drag. Do yourself a favour and watch the Ed Sheeran documentary before your soul dies.
If you scored between 15 and 19 points
Congratulations! You’re everyone’s worst nightmare: the fellow passenger who’s incapable of self-entertaining. Anyone who draws the proverbial short straw and ends up next to you will at some point during the flight fantasize about folding you in half and shoving you in the overhead compartment. Change yourself. The world will actually be a better place.
If you scored 20 points or more
Congratulations! You’re a dog. Why are you flying alone? Where are your people? Is someone picking you up at the airport? Can I get a ride?